Hello Haya!
I am a mother of two children, an eight year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I work full time and not being able to give them enough quality time has made me feel terribly guilty. I worked before I got married, but I lived the life of a housewife for a while before both my children started school.
I came back to pursue my professional dreams after I felt I could handle everything. But that hasn’t happened. It’s been a few years now, but I still struggle to juggle work and parenting duties.
We are a nuclear family but I don’t have enough help from my husband. Until my husband and I get home from work, my kids stay with my parents, who are both in their 60s and live a few lanes away from our place. This is another round of guilt trips that I often deal with as I feel terrible about bothering my parents in their old age.
I can’t afford to quit my job but I also feel guilty as a mother. I seem to be a failure at motherhood due to my inability to spend quality time with my children. Please tell me how to get rid of this feeling and how to deal with my extremely difficult situation.
— Guilty mother
Dear Guilty Mom,
I hear how difficult and overwhelming your situation is. It’s completely understandable to feel torn between professional ambitions and personal responsibilities.
Having a balance between work and family can be incredibly difficult and demanding with the guilt of not being able to spend enough quality time with your children and feeling guilty about your parents taking care of them.
I also see that you are hard on yourself and call yourself a failure because of your inability to spend time with your children.
Let’s take a look at how we can analyze this situation and see what we can do.
What you are experiencing is what we call “mommy guilt.” Many working mothers experience a similar feeling, know that you are not alone and you are doing the best you can.
You have mentioned a few things in your question above.
You were a professional, took a career break for your children, and decided to come back when they grew up. This was a conscious decision you made for your children. Now that you’ve moved on, it sounds like you feel guilty about chasing your dreams, only seeing one as more important than the other, when both are equally important to you.
You also mentioned feeling like a failure because of your inability to spend quality time with your children.
Quality time is subjective. For children, it is emotional tuning from their parents. You could be with your kids all day and not spend quality time. And you could be with your kids for some time and really be present and give them quality time. The time you spend with your children is crucial for the development of their personality.
I also hear that you feel guilty about working, but I also understand that you have no choice because you can’t afford to quit your job. When our options are limited, we must lean in, focus and manage the things we can.
Below are some things you can do:
- Be open with your husband about how you feel, the impact it’s having on you and your mental health, and what support you need from him
- Focus on spending quality and coordinated time with your children, where the focus is purely on spending time with them and not being distracted by other things around.
- Expand your support system. Maybe hire some help to send your kids home with you so it’s less of a burden on them too.
- Practice self-compassion. Understand that it’s natural to feel guilty and focus on the time you have with your children.
- Communicate to your children why work is important to you. You are a role model for your children and through this portray the value and importance of hard work and pursuing your passion to your children.
- Prioritize yourself. In all this give priority to yourself too, you are a human being with needs and desires. Being a mom is not the same as sacrificing yourself.
- Seek support. We can’t pull it off and do it all by ourselves. If all of this is having a negative impact on your well-being, consider talking to a therapist who can help you manage feelings of depression and manage emotions more effectively.
Chasing your dreams doesn’t mean it won’t be a struggle. It’s hard. If you stayed at home and sacrificed your career, it would also be difficult for you.
Really take some time to think about what it is you want (whatever that might be), what your priority is, and MAKE your choices.
Once you have clarity, it will be easier for you to map out your path.
Our choices are endless, our visions are limited.
Remember that being a loving and caring parent is not determined solely by the amount of time you spend, but by the quality of the moments you share. Your efforts to provide for your family while managing a career are commendable. Give yourself credit for everything you do and remember that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. You do your best and your devotion to your family is admirable.
Hope this helps and remember – YOU GOT THIS!
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.
Send her your questions [email protected]
Note: The above advice and opinions are the author’s and are specific to the question. We strongly recommend our readers to consult relevant experts or professionals for personalized advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv assume no responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein.
