My younger sister is extremely toxic. How can I keep my cool around her?

Dear Haya,

I wanted to ask you about dealing with toxic family members, especially those with whom you live. As long as I love my sister, I can’t stand it at all. He is one of the most toxic and justified people I have ever encountered. He is someone I am very careful speaking, as he would never answer kindly, instead, he fiercely supporting the most irrelevant discussions.

She is the younger one, so my parents were always very soft against her. Her behavior also embraces them, but they never tell her anything because they don’t want to create a scene for it. They often ignore her attitude to keep peace at home. But all this comes at a cost to be quiet to her annoying behavior. He would only speak nice when he wants, otherwise, we are always walking in egg shells.

But now I can’t tolerate her right and I often lose my temperament. Please help me understand how to keep my cool, since there is no way to get out of torture.

– an annoyed older sister

Dear annoyed older sister,

It is incredibly difficult to live with a member of the family whose behavior feels toxic and unpredictable, especially when they feel that no one holds them responsible. I hear your frustration and I fully understand why you are struggling. I also hear that no one is doing anything to “keep peace” at home, but I hear that this disrupts your inner peace, health and mental stability where it has begun to float you. Instead of waiting for the situation to improve, you need to do everything you can to protect your health and prosperity.

Let’s take a look to see what we can do.

The first thing to keep in mind is that you can neither change the behavior of others nor can you force your parents to take action, but change the way you respond to others around you and the limits you set. Instead of thinking about how to make her behave better, shift to “how can I make sure her behavior does not control my feelings?”

Toxic individuals often thrive in emotional reactions. If you react with frustration or anger, it can either escalate or handle the situation to its advantage. Instead, practical emotional detachment – which does not mean that you do not care, but that you will not allow her behavior to dictate your emotional state.

• When it is rude, it responds neutral or completely disconnect.
• If he supports something insignificant, don’t get involved in the discussion.
• Imagine a protective shield around you – her words bounce and remain grounded.

Since departure from the situation is not an option at the moment, setting the boundaries is critical. These should not be great controversy, but small, steady shifts in the way you deal with it. Here are some examples of how you can contact her.

• Verbal boundaries: “I will only continue this conversation if we can speak with respect.” Then walk away if he doesn’t do it or says, “I won’t talk that way.”
• Emotional boundaries: Remind yourself that her right is her issue, not yours.
• Natural boundaries: Spend time in places where you feel peaceful, even if it means you are using headphones, go out or by limiting the common time.

At first this may feel scary, as you already feel like walking in egg shells, but as you continue to exercise better.

It also sounds like a lot of anger and the frustration is full of your body. You have to release your anger in a healthy way. Examples:

• Newspaper your feelings: Leave them all out on paper.
• Move your body: Exercise, go for a walk, or do deep breathing.
• Practical attention: Remind yourself that you choose what you give energy.

I will also encourage you to communicate with your parents strategically. It sounds like they are also frustrated but reluctant to deal with it. Instead of pushing them to take action, express how you feel. Let them know that you understand that they say nothing to her to keep peace, but this environment has begun to adversely affect your health.

At the end of the day, it’s what it is. You have to accept it. The more you resist who it is, the more emotionally it will be for you. Instead of wishing to be different, try to accept:

• This is what it is, and I don’t have to let it affect me.
• I will not deal with power struggles that I cannot win.
• I can create peace for myself, even if it doesn’t change.

I know this is difficult, and I really admire your awareness and willingness to seek guidance. But remember, your peace is in your hands, not hers.

Goodluck!

– Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neuro-linguistic planning practitioner (NLP), a corporate well-being strategy and a trainer with know-how on the creation of organizational cultures that focus on prosperity and awareness of mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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