My father is disrespectful to me. How can I navigate our relationship?

Dear Haya,

I wanted some advice on maintaining a healthy relationship with my father. Even though I love and care for him very much, he is also someone who tests my patience every other day. One minute, we’d be having a good time and the next we’d be arguing like enemies. He can burst into anger at any moment, even when discussing the most trivial matters. When I talk to him, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

If he is upset for any reason, he can be expected to lose his temper with anyone, suddenly. He is very entitled and his behavior can become very irrational. My mother thinks that the reason my father and I don’t get along is because of my own temperament. I’m also very short-tempered, but it’s largely because my father expects us all to conform to his behavior, so it’s my way of rebelling.

My brothers also get sick of his behavior and can get aggressive with him too. It’s like we’re all waiting to yell at each other at any given moment. I don’t want him to think I’m a disobedient daughter, but I also want him to respect me, my mother, and my siblings. Please advise how to navigate this relationship.

— An angry daughter

dear reader,

Dealing with a disrespectful parent can be difficult. While I hear how much he means to you and how much you care and love him, I also hear that it has a negative impact on your relationship with yourself and others.

First and foremost, understand the things you can control versus the things you can’t.

How do you differentiate? The things you control are those within your immediate locus of control over which you have autonomy. While those outside of your control are those related to your external situation.

Let’s take a look at how we can relate this to your situation.

In your case, your father’s reactions and responses are not something you can control. You have no power over how he behaves, what his responses are, and how he reacts.

So what are the things you can control? These involve your actions, how you take care of yourself, your boundaries, how you talk to yourself, how you meet your own needs, your expectations, how you respond and the thoughts you choose to give birth to.

Let’s break down and see some things that can be done.

Focus on self-care activities: Prioritize your mental health and manage your stress — explore and assess what it might look like. Your needs may be different from others. For example, seeing a therapist, building a strong support network and exercising, etc.

Set boundaries: Boundaries are limits to what we allow and what we don’t allow. Boundaries in your situation could look like managing your responses, choosing how you behave, what you choose to respond to, and removing yourself from physical space. Know when to disengage.

COMMUNICATE: When you’re both calm, let him know how his behavior affects you and how it makes you feel. Use “I” statements to express how this behavior affects you. For example, you can say, “It hurts when you yell at me,” instead of blaming or accusing him directly.

Whenever we focus on things that are beyond our control, we continue to increase our worry, stress and fixate on the results and ultimately end up losing our power, living in a state of helpless victimhood.

Remember that you cannot control your father’s behavior, but you can control how you react to it. Focus on taking care of yourself and seeking support to help you navigate this challenging situation.

MANTRA TO REPEAT: When I focus on the things I can control, I’m in the driver’s seat of my life.

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.

Send her your questions [email protected]

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