Mommy guilt intensifies as I struggle to balance household responsibilities and quality time with the kids

Dear Haya,

I am a mother of three children, all under the age of 10 — two of them are in school and one is a toddler. My problem is that I don’t get to spend quality time with my kids as a busy housewife and I barely manage to check how they are doing at school. Both my daughters go to tutoring, but I still feel intensely guilty about my lack of involvement in their academic lives.

It is mainly due to the pressure of managing household chores and living in a joint family. We are a big family and the responsibilities are set accordingly. I don’t mind managing my responsibilities and I try to give as much attention as possible to my young children.

This guilt of not being able to invest time in their academic life makes me feel awful as a mother. When I’m done with all my chores at night, it’s time to put my kids to bed. There is a constant cycle of mommy guilt that I experience. How can I deal with this? Please help!

— Guilty mother

Dear Guilty Mother,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heartfelt concerns. As a mother of three young children living in a joint family, your challenges are valid and very relatable. Balancing responsibilities while trying to be fully present for your children is a lot to carry, and the guilt you experience reflects how much you care about their well-being. These experiences are what make you human.

You’ve already identified the main area you struggle with — struggling to spend enough quality time with your children and being less involved in their academic lives due to the demands of managing a busy household. It’s clear that the attention you can give doesn’t seem like enough, which can be frustrating.

Let’s explore what you can do to address this challenge.

The first thing to understand is that you are a human being with limited energy and time. It’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s okay. Managing your time and energy in ways that feel most resourceful to you is the key to finding balance.

With limited time and energy in mind, you need to ask yourself what is most important to you.

If being involved in your children’s lives is something you truly value, you should align your time and energy accordingly. Here’s how you can get started:

Ask yourself:

• In what specific ways can I spend quality time with my children, even in small moments?
• Are there household responsibilities I can delegate or improve?
• How can I create a balance that allows me to feel more involved without overwhelming myself?

Here are some ways you can:

Ask for help and delegate some tasks: Living in a joint family can be an advantage. Reach out to your family members and let them know how this situation affects you and the children. Share specific ways they can support you, whether it’s running errands or helping with childcare.

Set boundaries: Designate specific times when you focus on your children without interruptions from household chores.

Prioritize connection over perfection: Children value love and presence more than perfection. Even a few minutes of intentional connection can make a huge difference in their emotional and academic lives.

Capture small, meaningful moments: A bedtime chat about their day, a quick hug, or asking them a specific question about school (“What did you learn today that made you smile?”) would give you some time to connect with them.

Turn jobs into networking opportunities: Involve school-age children in small, age-appropriate household chores. It not only lightens your load but also gives you time together.

Create mini-rituals with children: Children thrive on predictability. Small, regular rituals can help you stay connected without requiring significant time. For example, a 10-minute talk with “school highlights” during dinner, reading a story together before bed, writing little notes in their lunch box to show you care.

Reframe your guilt: Know that you are human and doing the best you can. No parent can do everything perfectly. Focus on what you do and what you can do and pick your battles. Reframe your guilt with gratitude, recognize that your love and effort, even if it is not always visible to you, is felt by your children. Express and communicate with them how you feel about them.

Remember, it’s natural to feel like you’re falling short, but it’s important to extend your grace. Recognize and celebrate your small victories. Every smile, every hug, every job you complete is proof of your hard work and love.

What really matters is the love and care you give your family every day. Even small adjustments to your routine can make a big difference. You do the best you can.

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.

Send her your questions [email protected]

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