I struggle to remain realistic and lose myself in imaginary outcomes. Please help!

Dear Haya,

I have a hard time being realistic. Whenever I think about doing a job, I intend to do it, but somehow I slip into unrealistic thoughts about it. I would keep imagining how something would turn out if I did it a certain way. It is mainly all thoughts and not actions.

It wouldn’t be wrong to say that I build castles in the air. Ultimately, when the situation doesn’t turn out the way I envisioned it, it leaves me frustrated and disappointed.

It’s also one of the reasons I don’t actually do anything and only daydream about my plans and goals in life. Do you have any advice on how I can get out of my head and work towards everything I want in my life?

— A dreamer

Dear Dreamcatcher,

Thank you for sharing such an honest reflection.

I hear your struggle to want to do things, to have an idea of ​​how you want to do them, but you get stuck in cycles of perfectionism and avoidance which then turn into a cycle of overthinking, avoidance and self-frustration. This sounds overwhelming and very emotionally charged.

I also see that you are aware of your standards, which is a great place to start. Awareness is the first step to change.

To bring change in our lives, we we must first understand why we do what we do and then what we can do to change it. Both should go hand in hand.

Let’s take a look at what we can actually do.

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Understand your patterns

You’ve noticed a pattern, now you need to explore why you do what you do with compassion and curiosity. Sometimes daydreaming can be connected to deeper feelings of fear of failure, low self-esteem, or pressure to be great.

It is important to understand why you do what you do. Your fantasy pattern is serving you in some way, explore what it is. Sometimes, avoidance becomes a temporary protective coping mechanism against the discomfort of uncertainty, imperfection, or potential failure. Sometimes when we struggle with avoidance, we fear failure and rejection and, to protect ourselves, we avoid certain things that ultimately lead us to feel rejected (the feeling we were constantly running from), enabling our original self-fulfilling prophecy. Awareness and understanding of unmet needs is key here.

Write down your SMART goals

List all your goals one by one. Make sure they are SMART goals. Specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-bound. For example, if you want to lose weight, determine how much, how you will measure progress, how you will achieve it, how you can make it realistic and what time frame you will associate with it? Your imagination is not the problem. It is your most powerful tool, but it needs direction.

Emotional regulation

Emotional regulation is a key ingredient in achieving our goals. Practice grounding in the present moment. We need to feel that we deserve what we want. Work on your sense of self and exploring your patterns.

Rediscover your relationship with action

Action doesn’t have to be perfect or inspired, it takes consistency. Tell yourself I don’t need to feel ready to start, I just need to start feeling ready. Start with the smallest steps possible — something you can complete in 10 minutes. The goal is to build momentum, not mastery.

Create a habit of realism

Once a week, write down a goal you envisioned, what is in your control this week, and an action you will take. Watch how you feel after small actions, you will notice a subtle but profound change, your satisfaction starts with the progress and not the possibility.

Practice behavioral flexibility

Behavioral flexibility is knowing that our goals may not turn out as planned, and we need to take in all available information related to our goals, evaluate what is working and what isn’t along the way, and make decisions and adjustments in our behavior that align accordingly.

Allow yourself to be imperfect

Holding ourselves to such high standards will get us nowhere. Allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from them and move forward with them, with compassion.

You don’t have to stop dreaming, you just have to bring your inner and outer worlds into alignment.

Good luck and best wishes,

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.

Send her your questions by filling out this form or email at [email protected]

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