I find it difficult to expand my circle of friends after moving abroad

Hi Haya,

I recently moved to a new country after getting married and I can’t make friends here, which is really affecting my mental health. I have always been shy, but I had no trouble making new friends in Pakistan.

But since I moved here, I can’t talk, let alone make new friends. I have low self-confidence as well as low self-esteem. Often when with people my brain stops working and I can’t think of an answer.

Could you please give me some advice on how to deal with this?

— A shy expatriate

Dear Shy Expat,

Getting married and moving to a new country are both major changes, and it’s completely understandable that these transitions can feel overwhelming.

You’ve mentioned that since moving, you’ve found it difficult to talk and make new friends, a challenge you didn’t face back in Pakistan.

In Pakistan, you were in your comfort zone, familiar with the environment and at peace with your surroundings. This familiarity allowed you to easily make friends and participate in various activities. Now, I understand that you are under pressure to make new friends in an unfamiliar environment.

To cultivate new friendships, it is important to be in a healthy mental and emotional state with a calm and regulated nervous system.

When our nervous system is dysregulated by external stressors, it can trigger one of the “Four Fs” responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Fight: This response includes readiness to deal with perceived threat, characterized by increased heart rate, high blood pressure, aggression, defensiveness, or assertiveness. You may find yourself arguing, yelling, or physically resisting.

Flight: This response involves escaping or avoiding the threat to feel safe, characterized by increased heart rate and blood flow. You may find yourself fleeing the scene, avoiding situations, or moving away from the source of the stress.

Freeze: This response is a state of immobility or paralysis in the face of a threat. You may experience a sudden drop in heart rate, feel stuck or unable to move, or be very still and unable to act.

Fawn: This response involves trying to please the threat to avoid conflict or harm. This could manifest as pleasant behavior, compliance, or trying to win over the aggressor by meeting their demands.

It sounds like you are experiencing the freeze response.

Each of these reactions is a survival mechanism, helping people react to different types of threats to maximize safety. Understanding our nervous system is essential to understanding our needs, regulating ourselves, managing stress and living our lives in the most supportive way possible.

There are several ways to regulate your nervous system, some of which are:

breath work, body work, talk therapy, movement, journaling, meditation, exercise, yoga and sleep hygiene.

You should explore and find what works best for you.

As you work to regulate your nervous system and feel more settled in your new environment, I encourage you to additionally consider the following steps:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Acknowledge and accept your feelings instead of pushing them away or judging them.
• Set small, achievable goals: Take small steps to build your confidence. This could be as simple as saying hello to the person next to you, which can help build trust and comfort through small interactions.
• Subscribe to categories of interest: Search for courses that align with your interests. This can make it easier to meet like-minded people in a structured environment.
• Connect with people from similar backgrounds: Meeting people who understand your cultural context and may be facing similar struggles can be very helpful.
• Develop a routine: Routines bring structure and mental stability. Incorporate activities that you enjoy and that bring you comfort.
• Improve your communication skills: Practice conversation starters and responses. Having a few prepared topics or questions can make it easier to engage in conversations, and over time, your comfort level will increase.
• Stay connected to home: Keep in regular contact with your friends and family back home. Their support can provide comfort and remind you that you are not alone in your experience.
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel out of place at first. Celebrate your small victories and progress, however small they may seem
• Consider professional help: If you continue to struggle, seek support from a therapist. A professional can help you develop strategies to cope with stress and build social skills.

Hope this helps.

Good luck

Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.

Send her your questions [email protected]

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