How can I communicate with my strict father?

Dear Haya,

I am in my 20’s and looking for advice to navigate my relationship with my strict father.

My father is very traditional and as I mentioned strict. Even though I know he cares for me, I find it very difficult to communicate with him and express myself openly. My interactions with him often leave me emotionally drained and guilty, which affects my emotional well-being and self-confidence. In our family, daughters are closer to their mothers, but there are times when even they cannot convey our messages to our fathers. I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t know how to communicate her feelings for fear of aggression or resistance if and when she needs to in the future.

Could you please help me understand how I can build a better relationship with my father and better communicate with him in a healthy way while still respecting him and our cultural values?

— A troubled daughter

Dear Distressed Daughter,

Thank you for sharing such a relevant question as this is very common in South Asian households. Many fathers grew up in environments where authority, emotional restraint, and obedience were considered nurturing. Love was expressed through protection, provision and control, not dialogue or coordination.

I hear your longing to be close to your father, but a pull because of his strictness. There is a longing to be understood by him and a desire to express oneself openly. But every time you try, it leaves you feeling drained, guilty and frustrated. It’s like you want him to understand your feelings, but he doesn’t.

You may feel guilty because you have been conditioned to associate self-expression with disrespect, which has worsened over time, creating emotional repression, self-doubt about your own needs, and fear of power and conflict.

These patterns can follow you into adult relationships if left untreated.

I see you want to reach out to them and find a way to build a healthier relationship and communicate better with your father.

Let’s take a look at how you can do this.

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1. Assume Good Intention: As you said, your father’s intentions towards you are pure. He cares about you even if you don’t always feel like it. So try to look at it positively and know that he only cares about your improvement.

2. His behavior is a reflection of him: The way he responds and behaves is a reflection of himself, his beliefs around how he should be, around the conditioning roles he’s taken growing up. It is not personal to you or your worth. Many fathers were not taught emotional language. They were taught responsibility towards the relationship. Control over connection and power over vulnerability.

3. Build trust: The first and foremost step in any relationship is building a solid foundation. Spend time with him alone, participate in activities with him, keep him company and make plans together.

4. Redefine respect: Sometimes in South Asia respect is often misunderstood as silence or compliance. But in reality, respect is not the absence of voice, it is the presence of boundaries delivered with dignity.

5. Initiate communication and build trust: As you build trust and spend time with him, start slowly with small nuggets of communication, a request or a statement. Learning to speak now will build confidence for later. Boundaries with parents reinforce boundaries in other areas as well.

6. Choose content over complete honesty: You don’t have to share every feeling, ask yourself if the conversation is necessary and if the audience and time are appropriate.

7. Understand your own needs: What do you hope it gives you emotionally? Can you give yourself some of that now?

8. Set yourself up before the conversation: If you go into a conversation anxious or emotionally charged, you feel guilty. Before you speak, slow your breathing, decide on a message, and accept that the outcome may be neutral rather than warm.

Your father may never be exactly what you need him to be, and that’s a reality you’ll need to face. You cannot change another person, but you can work on your communication, inner fears, relationships and communication skills.

The work you want to do will help you learn clarity, boundaries and confidence building that will directly shape your romantic relationships, your ability to stand up for yourself, your sense of safety in conflict. Your father may never become emotionally expressive, but you can still become emotionally articulate, grounded, and confident.

My best wishes,

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.

Send her your questions by filling out this form or send an email [email protected]

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