I was 21 years old when I got married. The union was arranged by my parents. He settled in the UAE and was already married. After five days of our marriage, he came back and cut me out (from his life), so I filed peacefully Khulah and they broke up.
After a year, I started talking to a guy, who I felt was compatible with me, on Instagram. I don’t like meeting in person, so it’s mostly text. He was a lawyer but he wasn’t earning well or motivated to do much in life, while I make pretty good money. On the other hand, I live in Islamabad and he was from Faisalabad. If things went well with him, I would have to quit my job and leave my town and family. Anyway, my parents didn’t like him and his family when they met them. My father works in an important position and therefore, he had reservations about our union.
But since the guy and his family left that day, I started to notice a change in his behavior. My parents wanted his family to give three gold tolas and Rs.500,000 Haq Meherwhich he promptly refused to write to Nikahnama. He even said that if I had to choose between me and his family, he would choose family. One day, he called my mother and broke off the relationship.
As of now, I am emotionally drained and already experiencing self-doubt. I know it is definitely a very bad choice as he will not take responsibility for me or my children, however I am fighting for peace. But now I want to know if there is anything I can do to deal with this situation.
Disillusioned with life
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and it’s clear that you’re facing multiple challenges in your relationships and family dynamics. It is important to recognize that what you are experiencing is emotionally charged and your desire for peace is completely understandable.
Relationships are mirrors of ourselves. They bring out the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. They show us our needs, our hurts, and where our healing lies.
I hear that you have already experienced a marriage that was not aligned with your values and needs. After a relationship ends, it’s critical to give ourselves time to reflect on ourselves, heal, and examine our own needs and priorities.
Here are some prompts that may help you in this process:
- What values are important to you?
- What needs are important to you?
- What are your priorities?
- What qualities do you look for in a partner?
- What are “your” core values that matter to “you”? This will help you determine what is important to you and help you in your decision making process.
Set and know your boundaries that align with your values and needs. What are you okay with and what are you not okay with when you put up with something in your life? What are your long-term goals and aspirations? Think about your current choices and how they might align or hinder your goals. Do your needs and priorities match the person you are investing your time with?
What will help you in this process is inner work and reflection. At the same time, it is important for you to take care of your mental and emotional well-being.
Here are some coping and grounding strategies to ensure that:
- Deep Breathing: Deep breaths slow in and out, focusing on the present moment and releasing emotional discomfort.
- Journaling: Journaling can be a useful outlet to express your feelings and thoughts. Writing down your feelings, fears, and hopes can provide a sense of release and clarity.
- Therapy: Working with a therapist who will help you explore your inner self and emotions and help you build clarity.
- Exercise: Even as little as 20 minutes of exercise a day releases negative emotions and builds mental strength and clarity.
- Meditation: Allows you to separate yourself from your thoughts, focus on the sensations in your body, and pay attention to the present moment without judgment. Let your thoughts come and go without being caught.
Explore and see what works best for you.
By actively participating in these steps, you can better understand your own needs and priorities, allowing you to make decisions that align with your values and lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life. Remember that self-discovery is an ongoing journey and it’s important to be patient and kind to yourself throughout this process.
And remember, we must first choose ourselves and then choose people who choose us.
If you don’t choose, no one else will.
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellbeing strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures focused on wellbeing and mental health awareness.
Send her your questions [email protected]
Note: The above advice and opinions are the author’s and are specific to the question. We strongly recommend our readers to consult relevant experts or professionals for personalized advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv assume no responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All Published pieces are edited to improve grammar and clarity.
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